Archives of John Stossel

InnerMittenSignal - 2018-06-23

Primula was our Mr Bilbo's 1st cousin on the mother's side (her mother being the youngest of the Old Took's daughters) & Mr Drogo was his 2nd cousin. So Mr Frodo is his 1st & 2nd cousin, once removed either way, as the saying is, if you follow me. Mr Drogo was staying at Brandy Hall with his father-in-law, old Master Gorbadoc, as he often did after his marriage (him being partial to his vittles & old Gorbadoc keeping a mighty generous table!) He went out boating on the Brandywine River...he & his wife were drownded, & poor Mr Frodo only a child & all. I've heard they went on the water after dinner in the moonlight & it was Drogo's weight as sunk the boat.' 'And I heard she pushed him in & he pulled her in after him,' said Sandyman, the Hobbiton miller. 'You shouldn't listen to all you hear, Sandyman,' said the Gaffer, who did not much like the miller. 'There's no call to go talking of pushing & pulling. Boats are quite tricky enough for those that sit still without looking further for cause of trouble. Anyway: there was this Mr Frodo left an orphan, stranded, as you might say, among those queer Bucklanders, being brought up anyhow in Brandy Hall. A regular warren, by all accounts. Old Master Gorbadoc never had fewer than a couple of hundred relations in the place. Mr Bilbo never did a kinder deed than when he brought the lad back to live among decent folk. 'But I reckon it was a nasty shock for those Sackville-Bagginses. They thought they were going to get Bag End that time when he went off & was thought to be dead. Then he comes back & orders them off; & he goes on living & living, & never looking a day older, bless him! Suddenly he takes an heir, & has all the papers made out proper. The Sackville-Bagginses won't never see the inside of Bag End now, or it is to be hoped not.' 'There's a tidy bit of money tucked away up there, I hear tell,' said a stranger, a visitor on business from Michel Delving in the Westfarthing. 'All the top of your hill is full of tunnels packed with chests of treasure by what I've heard.' ''Then you've heard more than I can speak to,' answered the Gaffer. 'Mr. Bilbo is free with his money & there seems no lack but I know of no tunnel-making. I saw Mr. Bilbo when he came back 60 years ago when I was a lad. I'd not long come prentice to old Holman my dad's cousin, but he had me up at Bag End helping him to keep folks from trampling & trapessing all over the garden while the sale was on. In the middle of it Mr. Bilbo comes up the Hill with a pony & some mighty big bags & a couple of chests. I don't doubt they were mostly full of treasure he had picked up in foreign parts, where there be mountains of gold, they say; but there wasn't enough to fill tunnels. But my lad Sam will know more about that. He's in & out of Bag End. Crazy about stories of the old days he is & listens to all Mr Bilbo's tales. Mr Bilbo has learned him his letters, meaning no harm, mark you, & I hope no harm comes of it. 'Elves and Dragons' I says to him. 'Cabbages & potatoes are better for me & you. Don't go getting mixed up in the business of your betters or you'll land in trouble too big for you,' I says to him & I might say it to others,' he added with a look at the stranger & the miller. The Gaffer did not convince his audience. The legend of Bilbo's wealth was too firmly fixed in the minds of the younger generation of hobbits. 'Ah, but he's likely been adding to what he brought at first,' argued the miller, voicing common opinion. 'He's often away from home. Look at the outlandish folk that visit him: dwarves at night & that old wandering conjuror, Gandalf! Say what you like, Gaffer, Bag End's a strange place!' 'You say what you like of what you know no more of than you do of boating, Mr. Sandyman!' retorted the Gaffer, disliking the miller even more than usual. They do things proper at Bag End. Our Sam says everyone will be invited to the party...with presents for all this very month as is.' That very month was September, as fine as you could ask. A day or two later a rumour was spread about that there would be fireworks...such as hadn't been seen for nigh on a century, not indeed since the Old Took died. The Day drew nearer. An odd-looking wagon laden with odd-looking packages rolled into Hobbiton one evening & toiled up the Hill to Bag End. Startled hobbits peered out of lamplit doors to gape at it. It was driven by outlandish folk singing strange songs: dwarves with long beards & deep hoods. A few of them remained at Bag End. At the end of the 2nd week in September a cart came in via Bywater from the direction of the Brandywine Bridge in broad daylight. An old man was driving it alone. He wore a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak & silver scarf. He'd a long white beard & bushy eyebrows sticking beyond his hat. Small hobbit children ran after the cart all through Hobbiton right up the hill. It had a cargo of fireworks as they rightly guessed.